Today, I got into a very interesting discussion with my boyfriend.
It started out because I was waiting for him to finish a meeting at our school after my last class. When we were getting ready to walk to the city bus stop, a thought popped into my head, somewhat randomly. I told him, "Why is it that when I'm friends with two people, and I introduce them, they always end up becoming better friends with the person I introduced them to, instead of me?" Naturally, he had no clue. It was meant to be more of a rhetorical question anyways. But it really got me thinking. I'm one of those people who's friendships are really complex. I'm better friends with guys, because they cause little drama and aren't so, well, snappish and easily offended. Plus, all my guy friends are great listeners, and never overreact. I'm also one of those girls who just want that best friend that they grew up with. The one who just gets them, and never overreacts or gets angry at them for no reason (those are really big issues with me). I definitely fluctuate between having this overwhelming desire to be popular, to just wanting that one girl I can really connect with. Honestly, I can say that I don't have any really close friends right now- albeit, my boyfriend. We were talking about our relationship- and I am truly dating my best friend. We talk about everything, from my friendship issues (I just recently lost a close friendship with a girl I thought was my best friend) to my feelings. He's so understanding. But sometimes, I just want the best girl friend I can go shopping with, talk about girl stuff, and just do things with. I'm just scared to try again with any other girl, cause I'm afraid of losing that closeness I always assume we have . My boyfriend said that the reason I don't have any close close friends is because I'm a loner. I just don't fit into any stereotypical group. Before you say, "Stereotypes don't define us", think back to high school and college. Yes, they kind of did. Since that's where I am now, that's what I'm going through. Anyways, he's right. I am a loner, and so is he. That's why we're each other's lover, but above that, each other's best friend. The difference is, he's happy just having me, and a few slightly close friends. I want more, just one close friend, a girl who understands me. But I don't fit into just a Geek, Prep, Jock, Goth, or any other stereotypical group. Except for loners. So I guess I'll just have to find another loner to get close to. My being a loner comes from being an only child and having deaf parents, which creates a whole different level of responsibility many teenagers don't face yet, or so my counselor says. My counselor also says that I'm at least 4 years ahead of my peers, maturity wise. So that creates big problems, wanting to relate to kids at my school and failing miserably. My old best friend says she's a loner. Yet, she always must be with people. I don't know how that translates, but to me, it means she's really not. So she's going to start hanging out with anyone who I try to get close to because she craves emotional connection, but to an even greater level than I (or most human beings) do. My nature has gotten me into a predicament, and I fear I'll never get out. Acquaintances I have, but I crave something more- emotional connection with the one best friend I was meant to have.

Okay, so this was a quick little poem I wrote. It's definitely nothing special, but I think it sums up my feelings lately really, really well.


They say trust is a necessary thing
then why is pain all it seems to involve
I can feel my heart cracking
to hundreds of pieces small

I hate all the fear trusting you instills
wondering if I'm in any way good enough
Through the hurt and the pain, is it all so real
I don't know if its only me you love

You see me barely breathing
to you its insignificant, so trivial
but to me, its simply everything
as the pain consumes my lungs and soul

countless tears will fall
and so much time will pass
in my heart, bitterness calls
I hope the pain won't last